


Little Do They Know

by bluebellfantasy



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cloti - Freeform, Cloud Strife Needs a Hug, Comfort, Crying, Developing Relationship, Don't Worry It All Ends Well, Dreams and Nightmares, Established Relationship, F/M, Forgiveness, I Love You, Improvement in Relationships, Late Night Conversations, Late Night Writing, OTP Feels, Post-Advent Children (Compilation of FFVII), Post-Nibelheim Incident (Compilation of FFVII), Post-Sector 7 Plate Drop (Compilation of FFVII), Quarantine means I write a lot, Sad with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn, Tifa Lockhart needs a hug, based off of a song, cried a bit writing this tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:55:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23905780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebellfantasy/pseuds/bluebellfantasy
Summary: When two people are sure that the other doesn't know what they're feeling, complications and trouble often arises. But when said two people love each other beyond their own understanding, maybe they can get through it together. Based off the song "Little Do You Know" by Alex & Sierra.
Relationships: Tifa Lockhart & Cloud Strife, Tifa Lockhart/Cloud Strife
Comments: 14
Kudos: 139





	1. Breaking, Haunted, Captive (Tifa)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII, nor any of its characters. 
> 
> Hello, friends!
> 
> A little backstory on this story: I was listening to the song "Little Do You Know" by Alex & Sierra (which is an incredible song, heads up), and it just struck me so suddenly how much it described Cloud and Tifa's complicated yet loving relationship. The idea would not get out of my head, and slowly this story came to be (that's actually how I get the majority of my ideas, haha!). Anyways, I hope you enjoy, leave comments and kudos! The next chapter will be in Cloud's POV. 
> 
> Much love,  
> bluebellfantasy

_Smoke._

_It was everywhere. The sky above her, normally painted with stars, was dark and endless. Flickers of orange, yellow and white waved in between the darkness. Thick, black smoke wrapped around her frame, choking her with its silent hands. Tifa grabbed at her throat, coughing violently as she did so. Her eyes burned, and her very skin felt as if it were about to burst into flames._

‘ _What...what’s happening?’_

_Tifa looked in the direction of her bedroom window. The flickering light, the overwhelming stench of smoke and heat, the inability to collect her thoughts or even breathe…_

‘ _Fire?’_

_Someone pulled at her from the darkness, and she followed their lead. It didn’t matter who it was; she needed to get out of there. One thought, and one thought only ran through her mind: ‘Air. I need air.’ Tifa wanted to run outside, but her legs felt like they were made of rubber. The realization of what was happening was choking her as much as the smoke was. Tears streamed down her hot cheeks, and Tifa knew they weren’t just from the smoke. Tifa forced every step she took, urging herself to go faster. She had to get outside, she had to…_

_At long last she felt the cool summer night air hit her face. It felt like the breath of life. Whoever had guided her out had released her. Tifa practically collapsed on the ground, coughing so hard it felt as if her throat were about to rip apart. Tears streamed down her face, her eyes still stinging. After what felt like a long time she could finally breathe again. There were people talking all around her, but Tifa wasn’t really listening to what they were saying. They sounded worried. No, more than worried – terrified. It was then that Tifa’s mind finally seemed to clear, and she looked up, desperately wishing that what she was thinking wasn’t true._

_But it was. Her home was on fire._

_There was not much left except for the framework of the house and remnants of a rooftop now. Tifa slowly realized that she had just been pulled out in the nick of time. She looked around, searching for the person who saved her life. But all thoughts of that vanished immediately. Every single building in the town – from Cloud’s house, to the hotel, to the old well – was engulfed in bright, white-hot flames. Somehow Tifa knew that by the time the fires were out, nothing would be left._

‘ _Who would do this…?’ she thought numbly to herself._

_That image slowly faded, and another soon took its place..._

_There was smoke again, but she was far enough away from it this time that she didn’t choke. It smelled differently this time: less like heat and more like oil, gas and Mako. Regardless, it still brought those horrid memories of home to the surface._

_The force of the wind kept bringing her hair into her face, and Tifa shook her head to get it out of her eyes. She was still clinging to Barret for dear life as the two of them – with Cloud holding on the other side – swung through the air. In some distant corner of her mind Tifa was amazed that the wire Barret gripped hadn’t snapped yet._

_She took one last look over her shoulder._

_Everything happened in slow motion: There was a horrific, overwhelming screech of metal-on-metal. It rang so loudly Tifa felt her eardrums pop. The Shinra helicopters were flying away from the plate, clearly uncaring in the results of what they had just done. The smell of smoke still lingered. Tifa’s mouth went dry as she watched. She wanted to look away, to not see any of it, but her eyes wouldn’t close. Her face wouldn’t turn the other way._

‘ _Biggs...Wedge...Jessie…’ Tifa bit her lip hard as the tears filled her eyes._

_The entire world seemed to hold its breath as the plate fell._

_And as Tifa watched it fall, and saw the flames and heard the cries of thousands, she was brought back to Nibelheim once more. There stood her own childhood home, burning brightly. She could taste the smoke, feel the intense heat, smell the ash. Just as quickly as the image of her old home appeared, a new one took its place: her beloved Seventh Heaven, covered in flames. Nothing left of it but metal framework and charred wood._

_This would be the second home that fire – and Shinra – had taken away from her._

_A scream ripped out of her: a horrified, devastated, grief-stricken scream of pure fury. A sound that she never knew she was capable of making. To her own ears she sounded like some sort of wounded animal. And there was Barret yelling over her, trying to calm her down, and Cloud watching her, concern in his gaze..._

Tifa woke with a start.

It took only a few seconds for her to realize that she was not in Nibelheim, nor at the once intact plate. She was home in bed. She wasn’t being pulled out of a fire. She wasn’t high in the air, watching as three of her friends died. She was _safe._ Tifa let out a shaky sigh, pushing some hair out of her eyes. Her face was sweaty and hot. She could feel her heart pounding fast in her ears, like she had just finished a marathon. Her breath came out in short, shaky bursts.

_Bad dream...that’s all it was. Just a bad dream…_

It had been a while since she had dreamed about her old home. But every time she did, it was reliving that terrible night all over again. She could feel the smoke in her eyes, the heat of the fire, the sheer terror running through her veins. The memory had branded itself into her brain with a hot iron, leaving an imprint that would never go away. The plate falling was more recent, but that event haunted her just as much.

Tifa slowly sat up, trying to take some deep breaths. Her hands shook slightly as she wiped her eyes. A few teardrops rested on her fingertips. Tifa swallowed hard, urging herself to calm down. She rested her head on her knees, forcing herself to breathe deeply. Somehow the acrid smoke still burned her nostrils. She could see the flashes of fire behind closed eyes.

Tifa silently hoped that she didn’t make any noise while she was dreaming. Marlene and Denzel’s bedroom was next door, and they needed their rest. As for Cloud...she glanced at the still empty bed to her left. He still wasn’t back from doing deliveries. The thought only increased her anxiety. _What time is it?_ Tifa glanced at the small clock on her nightstand. It was a little after midnight; she had only gone to bed a few hours ago.

Tifa reached for the small glass of water she always kept on her nightstand. The feel of the water going down her throat seemed to clear the fog in her head a little. After emptying the glass she laid back down, staring up at the dark ceiling. Her heart still pounded slightly, but it was slowing down. The fabric of her pillowcase felt cool on her still hot face. She was still forcing herself to take deep breaths, but the memories of those two horrible nights were still so vivid.

It took a few minutes, but the determination Tifa had to calm down eventually had its desired effect. She let out a shaky sigh, covering her face with her hands. In spite of no one else being in the room, Tifa didn’t want anyone or anything to see her. If they did, they would soon find out she wasn’t the strong woman they thought she was.

 _I thought I was over this._ The tone of voice she spoke with herself was strained, tired. The shame of it all rested on her tongue, leaving a bad taste in her mouth. _I thought I was done dealing with these memories._

But was there any real way to be “done” or “over” events so horrible? Events that renewed your whole being? It had been 7 years since Nibelheim, and 2 years since the plate fell. Shouldn’t she have been over it by now? Then again, it’s not like Tifa had the time to sit down and process everything she had gone through. And with those memories still so close and frightening, she wasn’t sure she wanted to. Everything was still so vivid…

If the Tifa that existed now told the fifteen-year-old Tifa in Nibelheim what awaited her, the young Tifa probably would have laughed. Or cried. Or maybe both. Tifa lowered her hands, resting them on her blankets. Was this what her life consisted of now? Soul breaking slowly while everyone else was fast asleep? Being relentlessly haunted by memories that forced her to relive the worst moments of her life? Still trying to pick herself up, piece by piece, and cutting her fingers on the shards in the process?

Tifa let out a sigh, trying to bring more positive thoughts into her mind. It’s not like everything in her life sucked. There were still many things she was thankful for: the kids, the close friendships she had, her pride in running the bar and having happy customers. But sometimes even those things seemed small compared to what she was going through.

And then, there was Cloud.

It’s like the two of them were in some sort of weird dance. There were moments where she felt so close to him, closer than she ever had before, only to be followed by moments of near silence and distance from his end. There were times when he was open with her, telling her things she never knew, only to be followed by an almost cold-shoulder attitude. Sometimes he would be openly affectionate, even to the point of giving her a kiss on the cheek in private, but other times he seemed repulsed by physical touch.

Cloud had always been a bit confusing, but this was _ridiculous_.

Tifa relished the good times when he was talkative or wanted to hold her. She held them tightly to her heart, promising herself she would never forget them. Because she knew what would surely follow: the silent, brooding, negative Cloud would emerge. The Cloud she didn’t know. The Cloud that was so hard to read. The Cloud she had no idea what to do with, except offer her help and hope he would receive it. Most of the time, he didn’t.

Every single time it was an invisible punch to the gut. Cloud going from the man that she knew he really was to a man who was practically a ghost was jarring. Tifa tried to mentally prepare herself each time, but to no avail. It was always random. There was no pattern she could follow to know when it was coming.

And it _hurt._ Damn, Tifa couldn’t even begin to describe how much it hurt. To feel so loved one day and to feel completely cast off another day broke her heart every single time. Not that she’d ever let it show. She just played the part: back off a little, ask him if he needed anything, use caution, and don’t go places he didn’t want to go. Sometimes Tifa wondered if Cloud ever noticed her change in attitude as much as she noticed his.

The old, ever-familiar argument started in her head again. _What you’re thinking is not fair. You know how Cloud is. That man has been through more than most will go through in a lifetime. You just need to be patient with him. He’s probably working through some hard things right now,_ _so don’t be selfish._

Immediately her mind retaliated: _I know Cloud has been through a lot, but so have I! A lot of what he has been through are things we have been through together! And I’m trying to be patient with him, but I don’t know how much more of this I can take. And yeah, he might be working through some hard things but honestly, when is he_ _not_ _nowadays?_

Tifa could feel the tears building in her eyes again. Frankly, she didn’t know which side to listen to or believe more. If both were correct, was there even a right answer?

What Tifa felt for Cloud was no small thing. She loved him, treasured him, and thought of him above all other things. It was like her own little Lifestream inside of her heart. The depths of her feelings for him kept her going. They kept her _alive._ Tifa knew since she was a child that Cloud would not be an easy person to be with, for lots of different reasons. Despite that, she still chose him. Despite how he was acting now, Tifa knew she would forgive him in a heartbeat if she knew the reasons why he was acting this way.

Forgetting about it, however, would be an even harder fight. And so would the strong anxiety that was holding her captive.

At some point – Tifa couldn’t remember when or how – fears crept into her mind. They infected her like parasites, poisoning her thoughts. Fears mostly detailing about how Cloud could possibly be changing his mind. And no matter how many times she tried to tell herself how irrational that was or how silly she was being, the fears were still there. Now it felt like there was a huge hole inside of her skull; one that she could so easily fall into. It held her back from Cloud nearly as much as he would hold back from her.

The tears fell, rolling off of her cheeks and onto her pillow. Tifa bit her lip hard, remembering Denzel and Marlene next door. Any noise would wake them up. And how would they react if they saw her crying in her bed in the middle of the night? As much as she wanted to open her mouth and sob, Tifa hushed her cries.

She didn’t know how long she cried. It made her drowsy, and soon enough she could feel sleep calling to her again. Tifa closed her now slightly swollen eyes, wishing desperately for the nightmares not to resurface.

In the unreachable place between being awake and fully asleep, Tifa heard the door open downstairs. A few moments later the door to the bedroom opened quietly. Even though she was practically asleep already, Tifa willed herself to pretend to look she was sleeping soundly.

Footsteps. A warm hand brushing her cheek. An almost unnoticeable press of lips to her temple. The familiar, comforting smell of motorcycle grease, sweat, and something that was just uniquely _him._

_...Cloud?_

At the mere thought of his name, Tifa finally surrendered unto sleep.


	2. Waiting, Knowing, Trying (Cloud)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud ponders over his own thoughts and feelings about the one he loves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos so far! This chapter was challenging because, being a woman, it's hard to write ina man's point of view. And Cloud is complicated enough as it is XD so please let me know how I can improve! The last chapter will be coming soon! Love you all! 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII, nor the song "Little Do You Know" by Alex and Sierra

Being on the road all day meant you had a lot of time to think. But the monotony of the road made Cloud especially drowsy. He got off his motorcycle, put down the kickstand and proceeded to drag himself into the bar. _She’s gonna be worried again,_ Cloud chastised himself silently as he hung up his helmet on the hook by the door. His bed called to him. _One of these nights I’m gonna crash into something._

He carefully went up the stairs, keeping in mind the spots where they creaked. Quietly, he opened the bedroom to the kids’ room. Both Denzel and Marlene were sound asleep. Cloud shut the door and proceeded to the room he and Tifa shared. _She might chew you out for being so late,_ he warned himself. Bracing himself for the impact of Tifa’s worries, he walked into the bedroom. But rather than being met with a worried, “Where have you been?!” he was met with silence. It took him a moment to realize that Tifa was laying on her bed, fast asleep. Cloud let out a quiet sigh of relief as he walked towards her.

Tifa faced the wall, breathing deeply. Her long, thick dark hair was splayed out on the pillow, painting the whiteness of the sheets with the deepest black. Her long lashes lay against her cheeks, the normal focused look on her face absent in the recess of sleep. Her lips were parted slightly. Her chest rose and fell in a perfect rhythm. Cloud rarely saw Tifa perfectly relaxed, and this was one of those rare moments.

He stroked her smooth cheek with the back of his hand. As if she recognized his touch even in sleep, Tifa let out a small sigh. Cloud felt a small grin on his face as he bent down and lightly kissed her temple. Her hair smelled clean. Cloud let himself breathe it in for a moment, closing his eyes.

She was beautiful, even while she slept. Cloud opened his eyes. Being this close to her, he could see the almost invisible freckles covering her cheekbones. Her eyelids fluttered slightly. _She must be dreaming about something._ Every detail of her face was magnified, from her delicate eyebrows to her long lashes to her slightly swollen, warm cheek –

_Wait._

Cloud moved back a little, looking at Tifa’s face more carefully. He felt her cheek with his hand again. It wasn’t warm enough to be considered unusual, but still concerning. The swelling had obviously gone down a little before he got home, but it was still there. Cloud’s eyes fearfully traveled up to Tifa’s closed ones. The areas around her eyes were swollen, as well as being red. He was sure if he touched it, it would feel warm as well. Cloud felt his heart sink into his stomach as he looked into Tifa’s face, the realization dawning on him as he saw a teardrop on her lashes.

_Damn. She’s been crying._

_Probably over me._

Cloud straightened up, letting out a quiet sigh. He put his hand toward her shoulder to wake her, but stopped halfway. _She works so hard. She needs her rest._ The thought was quickly followed by: _But she’s been crying over_ _me._ _What am I supposed to do?_ Cloud thought briefly of Zack; how would _he_ handle this? But then Cloud remembered: Tifa was never into the whole “act-like-Zack” facade.

She always acted so strong, like nothing could ever break her. But Cloud knew better. He reflected on her screams in the Reactor before she went after Sephiroth, as well as when the plate fell. She never let it show, but he knew how much those events broke her. For the sake of everyone else, Tifa had made herself be the strong one. _That’s how she’s been ever since her mom died,_ Cloud thought grimly. _Trying to fill the role that her mom used to have._

And she _was_ strong, but even Tifa Lockhart had her limits. Cloud knew that she had broken down shortly before he came home.

Maybe he was wrong. Maybe she wasn’t crying over him. Did something happen with the kids? No, that couldn’t have been it; she would have waited up to tell him if it was. A bad day at the bar? It was possible, but not very probable. Bad customers didn’t really get under Tifa’s skin. Did something happen to one of their friends? Again, she would have stayed up to tell him, or would have at least called him…

Which left only one explanation, the same one he started with: Cloud was the reason she cried.

Cloud rubbed at his tired eyes. It didn’t surprise him at all, but it still stung. He quietly leaned the Buster Sword up against the wall, sat down on his bed and began to take off his shoes. Cloud had been home late so many times he had being quick and silent down to an art. As he began to undress, he looked again at Tifa. Her back was to him, and it appeared she was sleeping soundly. If Cloud hadn’t taken a closer look upon first coming in, he never would have guessed she had cried.

After he had changed, pulled back the covers and laid down, Cloud stared up at the ceiling. It was strange how sleep seemed so alluring to him moments ago; now he did not feel tired at all. Knowing it would be a while before he fell asleep, Cloud turned his thoughts back to Tifa.

Tifa wasn’t the type to cry often. In fact, Cloud had only seen her cry a few times in the many years he had known her. There was the day her mother died, when she found her father in the reactor, when Aerith died...and not much else. But how many times had she cried because of _him?_ Did it happen more than he thought? How many nights did his best friend, as well as someone he loved and cared for deeply, cry over or about him?

How many times had he _hurt_ her?

That was easy enough to answer: too many times.

Cloud saw the pain in her eyes when he acted different. He could feel the tension in the air when the two of them pretended nothing was wrong. They read the scripts, played the parts and put on the masks. It was like living in a black-and-white rerun of an old television show. And Cloud hated every second of it.

Cloud looked at Tifa from across the room. _I just want to love you the way you deserve it._

And not just that. Cloud wanted to feel like he could give himself completely to Tifa. He _hated_ holding back. He _hated_ feeling like he couldn’t share his feelings with her. It made him feel like such a coward. He wanted to open his soul to her and let her explore it, just like she did when he had Mako Poisoning so long ago. In that incident there wasn’t an option of holding back; he _had_ to tell her everything. Even his feelings for her.

 _That hasn’t changed at all,_ Cloud thought to himself. If anything, those feelings had only grown and deepened. _And I want to tell her that, but..._ Cloud cut his thoughts short. _I can’t._

It wasn’t for lack of trying. In rare moments of courage, Cloud had been a bit more forward than he had in the past. Two years ago, he never would have held her hand. He never would have told her she looked beautiful, or kissed her in private moments. Not because he didn’t want to. He was just...scared.

_Why am I still scared?_

Cloud rolled his eyes at himself. He really _shouldn’t_ feel that way. For heaven’s sake, he had known Tifa since they were little kids. Save for the few years they were apart while he was in SOLDIER, they had always been in each others lives. Cloud often felt that he knew Tifa better than he knew himself. Destiny and fate somehow kept bringing them back together time and time again. Tifa Lockhart was _not_ someone to be frightened of. But he _was_ scared of her.So why was he so uneasy? Why did the thought of holding her, kissing her and other romantic things terrify him? Even as he thought of it now, while Tifa was asleep across the room, Cloud could feel his heart beat faster.

_I want to tell her. But those words..._

Cloud just didn’t know how to say them. When he looked at it logically, it was stupidly simple: three small words. It shouldn’t be that hard. And yet, they sat on the tip of his tongue and refused to leave his mouth. He let out a quiet groan. How was it that three little words sent him into a near panic?

 _Dammit,_ Cloud thought in frustration, gripping the comforter tightly in his hands, _there’s been much scarier things you’ve faced! Mako poisoning. Zack dying. Not knowing who you were. A jumbled-up memory you couldn’t unravel. Not knowing what was real and what wasn’t. And, you beat Sephiroth twice. This should be a cakewalk. _

_That was different,_ he argued silently. _Besides, Tifa helped me with all of that. This is something I have to do on my own._ Through all of those things, she had never left his side. But this? No. _I’ve made too many mistakes already._

But was this a potential mistake?

Tifa knew of his mistakes. Hell, everyone did. But no one was more conscious of them than himself. They were the invisible chains he wore, constantly dragging him down. They filled up his lungs with water, slowly drowning him. The memories of being manipulated by Sephiroth, of lashing out to those around him, of shutting himself out from everyone. Of _hurting_ everyone he cared about. The memories played in his mind on repeat and high volume. And lately, they had been getting harder and harder to ignore or shake off.

They were especially loud when Tifa was around. Each thought cut him open: _you don’t deserve her. You’ve already hurt her so much._ _She deserves better._ _You’ll just screw it up more. She may change her mind, after all._ The viciousness of his own mind made him shy away. He’d still make himself hug her and even kiss her sometimes, but it always felt forced on his end. And Tifa would notice. She would always ask what was wrong, and he would never answer her fully. And Tifa never pressured him to explain.

But sometimes...Cloud wished she would. Maybe then he would have a reason to explain all of what went on inside his own head. It was just one of his many imperfections. Cloud knew he wasn’t perfect. Normally the fact didn’t bother him. But Tifa _deserved_ perfection. _But am I telling myself that because I...love her? (Man, even_ _thinking_ _that is hard)._ If not perfection, then she at least deserved his best self.

He was trying. He was trying the hardest he could. _Maybe that’s not enough, though._

“ _So what if it looks hopeless? If it were me, I still wouldn’t give up._ _Embrace your dreams.”_

It came to him like a dagger in the heart. Cloud quietly groaned aloud again. _Dammit_ _, Zack._ But he knew what Zack said so long ago was true. Cloud knew what he wanted: to tell her. And maybe, when he did, she would say things she wanted to say. He didn’t want to see her in pain, especially if it was because of him. He wanted to do everything in his power to make sure she was safe and unafraid.

_I’ll tell her in the morning._

Cloud’s eyelids began to droop. He took one last look at Tifa, promising himself to not back out of it. _Just wait. I promise you won’t have to be afraid._


	3. Like You've Never Felt the Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYS. I feel like such trash! It's been over a month since I updated this! I planned to release it sooner, but I honestly had a hard time writing it and I just started a new job as well. But I've been getting so many kudos on this, and it really does mean a lot. It's been so encouraging, so thank you! I hope you enjoy this last chapter. As always, constructive criticism is welcome!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII, or the lyrics to "Little Do You Know" by Alex and Sierra.

Another day came and went.

Tifa woke up with her face still a bit swollen. Her eyes were stinging. The nightmares she experienced hadn’t resurfaced, but the memory of them still lingered. She got up, showered, dressed, and continued her usual morning routine. She made breakfast for Denzel and Marlene before they went off to school (saving some food aside for Cloud), did some light housekeeping, and even ran a few errands. Yet all the while the image of fire stayed in the back of her mind.

When she returned, Cloud was awake. Despite the unpleasant thoughts about him the night before, Tifa still smiled and wished him a good morning. Cloud grinned back and said the same. He looked as tired as she felt. They talked about work, the weather, the kids, but concern still rose in the back of Tifa’s mind. _What time did he get home last night? Did he sleep at all?_

“You look exhausted,” she found herself saying. “Did you not sleep well?”

Cloud shook his head. “I didn’t fall asleep for a while.”

 _Same here,_ Tifa thought to herself. “Did something happen on the road?” she asked hesitantly.

“No, nothing like that,” Cloud replied, rubbing his tired eyes. “Just...couldn’t fall asleep, that’s all.”

Tifa hummed in understanding. “I had a hard night, too.” she found herself saying. When the words left her mouth she immediately cursed at herself. Did she _want_ him to know that she had cried her eyes out before he came home?

“I -” Cloud began, but then he stopped himself. “I’m sorry.” he said after a moment. The way he said it, with his voice so tired and full of surrender, only made the many emotions in Tifa rise.

 _What were you going to say?_ Tifa pleaded in her mind. _Just tell me. Be open with me. Please._

“It’s fine,” she said, forcing a small smile. “Hopefully we both sleep better tonight.

”And with that, the two of them went back to small talk.

____

Cloud hopped on Fenrir and began yelling at himself. _You said you would tell her! Why didn’t you? Why are you such a coward?_ The roar of the motorcycle wasn’t loud enough to drown out these thoughts. He made a sharp left, beginning his day of deliveries. For what felt like the tenth time, Cloud replayed the conversation in his head:

“ _I had a hard night, too.” Tifa said quietly._

“ _I -”_

_The words he was going to say turned against him, wrapping their_ _fingers_ _around his throat. They squeezed hard,_ _making_ _the air around him f_ _eel_ _thick and heavy. Cloud felt his muscles tense as the familiar taunts in his head rose: ‘Don’t say anything. You’ll just ruin it. She deserves better. You don’t deserve her, so don’t even bother trying.’_

“ _I’m sorry,” he managed to choke out, trying to hush the voices in his head._

Cloud grit his teeth. This whole mess was ridiculous. How could he say the things he wanted to, when his own mouth couldn’t form the words? His grip on the handlebars tightened. The farther away he went from the bar, the more his thoughts consumed him.

_That same night…_

Cloud walked inside the bar. Actually, he was practically dragging his feet. Another long day. But it had seemed even longer with his thoughts about Tifa. He had racked his brains about what to say, and how to say it. Tifa wasn’t a threat, so why did he feel like she was one? He had simply decided to ask her about her day and take it from there. Only this time, he wouldn’t chicken out.

At least, that’s what he kept telling himself.

 _Tifa is not a threat,_ he repeated to himself as he walked up the stairs to the bedroom. _Tifa is not a threat. You can do this. You’ve done harder things. ….but why does this seem so much harder?_

Cloud placed his hand on the doorknob, taking a deep breath. He swore he heard small sniffles from the other side of the door.

Cloud opened it, all fears immediately cast aside. His eyes landed on Tifa, who was sitting up in her bed. Her hands were wiping at her streaming eyes, and she was biting her lip so hard it had turned white. Tifa looked up, her expression much like a chocobo in the headlights. Before she could say a word, Cloud had crossed the floor, sat on the edge of her bed, and held her. Tifa sat there, seemingly stupefied at his actions.

He hadn’t planned on doing so. He didn’t even need to _tell_ himself to do so. It just...happened. A pure instinct. Now that he was recognizing what he had just done, Cloud felt himself stiffen a little. The voices in his head started up again: _what do you think you’re doing?! You’re not worthy to touch her, let alone hold her –_

The feeling of Tifa’s arms wrapping around him made all thoughts cease. She burrowed her face into the crook of his neck and cried. Cloud, still surprised at his own actions, simply stroked her hair soothingly. The harder Tifa cried, the tighter Cloud held her. Her tears soaked into the skin of his neck. The cries that came from her mouth tore into Cloud’s heart with all the ferocity of a wild beast. He still wasn’t quite sure what to say – or when to say it – so he simply ran his hand through her hair. It wasn’t much, but he hoped it was enough.

When Tifa’s sobs had turned into sniffles and her tears had dried, Cloud whispered, “What happened?”

Tifa pulled away from his grip on her, wiping her face on her sleeve. She hesitated for a moment before saying, “I...had a bad dream.” She shook her head, a cynical smile on her face. “I sound like such a kid.”

“….was it about home?” Cloud asked. At Tifa’s small nod he hugged her a bit more tightly. “Don’t worry about it,” he added, referring to her previous statement. “everyone gets bad dreams.”

But were everyone else’s dreams as bad, or as vivid, as their own?

“Do you ever dream about home?” Tifa asked, sniffing a little. “Or...about the plate falling?”

“...Yeah. Sometimes.”

Cloud’s nightmares didn’t occur as often as they used to. But he had learned a long time ago to never let his guard down. The moment he thought he’d be done having nightmares, they would come back just as quickly. And even more viciously. Hearing Tifa’s screams in his ears, the fire scorching his skin, the sweat pouring down his face like rain… Cloud shook his head, as if to shoo the thoughts away.

“I just wish they’d stop,” Tifa said dejectedly.

Cloud felt his heart stop for a second. “How often do you have them?”

“...I’ve lost count.” Tifa mumbled in defeat.

Cloud’s grip on her tightened. He felt both a surge of tenderness and annoyance; why hadn’t Tifa told him about this? How long had she been holding this back from him? Had she been holding back because of his distance? If so, how was he supposed to respond?

“It’s going to be alright,” he assured. He figured that was the safest option. After a moment he kissed the side of her head, just for good measure.

“Don’t start,” was all Tifa groaned in response.

Cloud groaned to himself, trying to swallow the urge to strike back with something rude. He looked down at her. “What are you talking about?”

Tifa let out a small snort. “You know what I’m talking about.”

The panic in Cloud’s chest rose. This was it. They were finally at the point he had avoided for so long. Urging himself to stay calm, he forced himself to speak. “I know what it is, but I need to hear it from you.”

Tifa let out a slow sigh before speaking. “You’re just...distant. I know you’ve got so much going on in your head, but I’m so tired of it.” Her voice grew stronger as she talked, relief flooding her from finally releasing the words she held back for so long. “And I’m so sick of it because I never know what you need. I never know if I’m doing anything right.”

“...You could just ask me,” Cloud said quietly.

Tifa looked at him incredulously. “I try to, but you _clearly_ don’t want to talk about it! One day you’re kissing me and telling me how much I mean to you, and the next day it’s like none of that ever happened!” she shouted. “I don’t know what to believe anymore, Cloud! I never know what you need from me!”

“Well, neither do I!”

The words left Cloud’s mouth faster than he could catch them. Tifa gaped at him, open-mouthed. _Oh d_ _amn._ Whether he said it because the anxiety urged him to, or he couldn’t think straight, or he just wanted to get this over with he did not know. But now he was at the crossroads he didn’t want to be at. Now he had to explain. And explaining required bringing up things he didn’t like. Explaining was _painful._

“I - I never know what you need from me either,” Cloud vomited the words up, somewhat bitterly. “You can take care of yourself well enough. You’ve run your own bar for 7 years without any help. What do you need me for?”

Tifa sputtered some unintelligible words before shouting, “Are you stupid?! Of _course_ I need you! How could you say something like that, after all we’ve been through?!” She looked at him fiercely, her brown eyes hard and glinting. “Do you even _want_ this?!” she asked suddenly.

Fear rose in Cloud like the tide. _Don’t ask me that. Please…_ “Am I _stupid_?!” he scoffed, shooting her own question back at her. “Of _course_ I want this! I just -”

“Then why are you acting like this?” Tifa cut him short.

Cloud looked away from her, biting the inside of his cheek. There was certainly no beating around the bush now. But how could he explain something so complicated, something he didn’t even understand himself? How could he tell her that he _knew_ how much she hurt, how his own mistakes were drowning him, how he was trying but didn’t feel like he was trying hard enough?

“I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t trust myself.” was all he said.

“You already have!” Tifa nearly shouted, her voice cracking. “Don’t you see, Cloud? This – this tension between us -” she gestured wildly with her hands, “is killing me! You’re my best friend, and I _want_ you to tell me whats going on in your head!”

“Tifa, I can’t trust myself to do that!” Cloud repeated, a bit louder this time.

Words formed in Tifa’s mouth, but they failed to leave her lips. _Wait a minute…_ Those were words she had heard from him before, on multiple occasions. But now they made sense in a new way. Looking at Cloud’s pained face, her brain finally seemed to connect the dots.

_He’s still afraid._

But why? It didn’t make any sense. The Jenova Cells were still a part of Cloud, sure, but he hadn’t done anything reckless. And while his behavior had hurt her, he hadn’t tried to _physically_ harm her, or the kids, or anyone else they cared about.

Tifa placed a hand on Cloud’s shoulder. “I’m scared, too.” her voice was hushed, quiet.

Cloud let out a near inaudible gasp, but quickly collected himself. He avoided Tifa’s gaze, looking at the shadows on the wall.

 _Please talk to me,_ Tifa pleaded silently. _I promise I’ll listen._

A few seconds later she got her wish. “Sephiroth’s gone, and all of that is over, but I’m still just as weak as before.” Cloud’s voice was bitter and hard.

“It’s got nothing to do with weakness,” Tifa said firmly. “it’s just part of being human. We all get scared.” After a moment she added, “and we all do things we regret. But you have to understand, you weren’t in direct control with the Jenova Cells. Sephiroth was manipulating you. You know that, right?”

Cloud shrugged. “I guess.”

 _What would Zack say at a time like this?_ Immediately Cloud could hear his confident voice in his head: _Just be honest with her. What have you got to lose?_ If only things were that simple. If only being vulnerable wasn’t so damn hard.

_But if we fight like this...if I don’t say anything, I’m giving Sephiroth exactly what he wanted. And I’ll be damned if I ever do that._

“...You’re right. I have done all those things,” Cloud admitted quietly, “and I know I need to be better than that. I just -” he took in a deep breath and slowly let it out before continuing, “I just could never handle my own feelings, especially when it comes to you.”

Tifa’s gaze softened. “What are you talking about?”

Cloud wanted to look away from her – to hide from the shame of the words he was about to say – but made himself look at her face. “There’s these...voices in my head. Not real voices, not like Jenova,” he hastily added at the look of horror on her face. “they’re my own thoughts. And they... _say_ things that get under my skin. I try to ignore them, but lately they’ve been really loud.” The words came out clumsily, and Cloud averted his gaze from Tifa’s.

“...what kind of things do they say?” Tifa asked gently.

Cloud didn’t answer immediately. What would she think of him if he spoke these horrible things aloud? How differently would she see him?

Tifa squeezed his shoulder slightly. His skin felt warm beneath her fingertips. “Please tell me. I want to help you with this.” She wasn’t sure when Cloud was ever going to be this vulnerable with her again. She might as well ask for all the details now.

After a few moments, Cloud began to speak. “They come so sudden,” His eyes were glued to his hands, which were resting on his lap. “I could be doing fine, and then they’re just...there. And they tell me all the reasons why I _shouldn’t_ be fine. Sometimes I can just ignore them. But when it comes to you, I can’t shake them off.” His voice sounded hollow, like it was coming from the bottom of a well.

Tifa sat next to him, listening intently. Her heart jumped when he mentioned his thoughts about her. She always assumed it was something about Cloud’s thought process that made him shy away from her. Still, she was surprised at how deep it ran. Looking at Cloud’s face, she could visibly see the intense concentration and effort it took to say what he was saying. The only other time he looked this focused was in serious battle. Urging herself to listen harder, she gently grabbed one of Cloud’s hands and laced her fingers between his. She gave it a small squeeze; it was her way of saying she was listening.

“Even after all we’ve been through. I’m just...not good enough. I just get in the way of everything. If I could just get stronger...” Cloud’s voice was barely above a whisper.

_What is he—oh._

_OH._

A memory from a few years past came into focus. Diving into Cloud’s subconscious, seeing his memories, and hearing the very same words: “ _If I could just get stronger..._ _if I could just be like Sephiroth...if only I weren’t so weak...”_

Those words were all said in the same context: to protect Tifa. To get Tifa to notice him when they were children. To make sure Tifa was safe. Not because she couldn’t take care of herself, but because he… _loved_ her. And whenever she was hurt – in the Reactor by Sephiroth, by attempting to climb the mountain to see her dead mother, or any other reason – he took the fall for it. And it was only ten times worse when the hurt was done by Cloud himself.

No wonder he felt so unworthy. Tifa felt tears burn in her eyes.

“Do you really believe that?” she asked, in the softest voice she could manage. Cloud, still not looking at her, simply shrugged his shoulders. Knowing Cloud’s body language well, Tifa knew what he really meant: yes.

Despite the fact that she was sitting down, the floor seemed to sway beneath her. The lump in her throat only grew, making it harder to breathe. Tifa had the strange sensation of feeling like she was standing on a shoreline, with a gigantic wave coming towards her. The wave climbed higher and higher, until it was much higher than she was. Tifa took a deep breath and braced for the impact.

The wave crashed onto her with all the force of one hundred pounds, and Tifa felt herself drowning. Tifa clamped a hand over her mouth in an attempt to quiet her cries. She blinked, and the tears fell.

“Tifa?” she heard Cloud say. His voice sounded far away. She could only hiccup in response.

Cloud wrapped his arms around her, gently pulling her close to him. Tifa let herself fall into his embrace, her head resting on his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, her voice thick with tears.

“...it’s not your fault,” Cloud responded awkwardly.

“But it is! ...a little.” Tifa said, straightening up and looking at him. “Like I said, I’ve been scared, too.” At Cloud’s somewhat puzzled expression, she continued. “I’ve been so scared that you might be changing your mind. About how you feel, and about me, because you’ve been acting so distant. It doesn’t help that I’ve been having those horrible nightmares. And instead of being what you needed, I did the same thing. I shut you out, too.” She wiped at her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she confessed. “I was just...hurt. But I felt like I couldn’t let you know, because I didn’t want to be a burden. You’ve already got so much on your mind.”

“Tifa, you could _never_ be a burden!” Cloud said strongly.

She smiled weakly. “I could say the same about you.”

“But -”

“No buts!” Tifa interrupted. “You’re not a burden, Cloud. I know you’ve told yourself that you are for a long time, but please believe me when I say you’re not.”

“...No promises, but I’ll try,” Cloud said, shrugging slightly. Tifa simply smiled in return.

Cloud looked at their still entwined hands. Her palm was smooth, yet calloused. It felt perfect in his own. “Listen,” he said fervently, with a sudden burst of courage, “I know I’m not the best at saying what I need. Or at how I feel. I hurt you, and I can’t let myself forget that.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Tifa reprimanded gently. “please.”

“...but I’ll try harder.” Cloud finished his sentence quietly.

“I’m not the best at it either,” Tifa said, wiping away fresh tears. “And I know I shouldn’t have shut you out. I just felt like you weren’t willing to talk to me.” She gave him a weak smile. “But not being willing to talk and not knowing how to express your feelings are two different things. And...for the record, I trust you. And I promise to do the same.” She put the hand not entwined in his on his cheek. “I don’t want to fight, Cloud.”

“Me neither,” Cloud agreed. He smiled slightly at her touch. Another burst of courage came over him, and he heard himself say, “ever since we were kids, I just knew that...I wanted to care about you.” For the first time in a long time, there were no voices screaming in his head to take the words back.

“I know,” Tifa said softly. “I did, too.”

She leaned forward, and Cloud followed suit. Their lips met, and Cloud relished in the emotion running through him. It felt so...right. It wasn’t forced on his end, or hers. After a moment he broke the kiss, resting his forehead against hers. He wiped away a stray tear that was falling down her cheek. Tifa smiled gently at him.

_Now or never._

He swallowed hard. “Tifa, I -”

He could practically hear Zack’s voice cheering him on in his head: _You can do it! Say it! Go ahead and say it!_

“...you know how I feel about you, right?”

The words weren’t hard to say. Far from it. If anything, they were _releasing._ All of the feelings he had for her, the depth of emotion he had, the tenderness in his heart for her...all of that was released in those words. And while they weren’t the big three words that he wanted to say, Cloud knew he would say them eventually. Hopefully soon.

There were new tears in Tifa’s eyes. He had never seen her smile so widely before, or with so much happiness. It only affirmed that he said the right thing.

“I do. And...I love you, too.” she whispered back, her voice cracking. Cloud smiled – a true smile that reached his eyes – as he hugged her tight.

_I’ll wait, I’ll wait,_

_I’ll love you like you’ve never felt the pain_

_Wait, just wait,_

_I promise you won’t have to be afraid._

_I’ll wait,_

_Our love is here and here to stay_

_So lay your head on me._

_Cause little do you know, I,_

_I’ll love you till the sun dies..._


End file.
